Weird Saturday

July 15th, 2006 by nazrig

Emotions are like roller-coaster. It’s a journey through ups, and downs, and circles. What I’m feeling now is just like having a dead sharp knife slicing a piece of what’s under my chest, cause it feels hard to breath, undescribeable pain. Yea, maybe I’m a bit too sensitive. Just have to disregard this sign of depression.

Women… it’s pretty hard to please them and yet you’d get heart pain each time. I feel that she doesn’t take good care in formulating words which comes out of her mouth. Yes, hurtful words. Without thinking. The more you talk the more the act of thinking is absent from that dead brain of yours. Knowing if I try to pick a fight out of this thing, it would come out worse. Gracefully, I backed out. Through the phone I said to her, "Ok, takpe la. Bye".

Now, I’m saying to myself, "God-damn it, you’re bloody too sensitive. Fuck it".

Sensitivity has been part of me since I was a little kid. How did I realised it? Too personal to relate the story anyway. That’s why I view myself as a bit artistic instead of using the wimp word of "sensitive". I’m not a wimp. Yea, this is a weakness for a man. We don’t need to feel sensitive. It shows weakness instead of stronghold shelter for women. Our disregard to the feelings of women are very well documented. It’s just in our nature. While watching sad movies, no tears present although the girl beside you are creating massive flood in the cinema. In a way, it’s good to have little bit sensitivy. Maybe that’s why I ‘m good in poetry.

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Yesterday, I met an ex-girlfriend of mine. She’s already married. Actually another friend, Lee Yan Wuu who wants to meet both of us (my ex- and I) and he set up the meeting. It’s just to catch up with time and build contacts. I came late to KLCC food court. I walk to their table as soon as I spotted them. They were in animated discussion or chatting, you know, hands up in the air while talking, laughter bursting, and I don’t know what was being said. Slowly, I approach them. I saw that she was holding her baby girl. I guessed the baby is a girl from the pink baby clothes she wore. Small little creature she is. Drinking milk from the bottle.

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" Hi Lee. How’s it going? " I said whilst shaking hands with Mr Lee Yan Wuu. Then I looked at her and just smile and nodded. It felt really strange having your ex-girlfriend holding a baby. It takes me back and forth from reality, I really could believe this is happening.

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" You looked ‘healthy’ ", she said looking at my fattened stomach.

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Lee Yan Wuu continued’ " Ya lar, you looked berisi sikit". He could speak impeccable Bahasa.

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It made me lost my appetite to eat here. Have to get thinner. I’ve gained 10 kg since coming back to Malaysia 1 year ago.

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We chatted away and I couldn’t look at her most of the time. Although she’s talking, I would look at Lee’s reaction and only look at her in a fraction of time. Just can’t do it. She betrayed me while I was in Australia. And this guy whom she’s marrying is the culprit. I was defenseless. There was nothing I could do being too far away. I guess it’s just fate. I’ve already embraced this fate a long time ago. Her husband came joining us a few minutes later holding with him two plates of huge kebabs and some drinks.

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At one time she asked me, "Does your company needs more mechanical engineers?"

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"He could apply." pointing to her husband. He had a goatee, looked pretty manly but a bit fat.

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I didn’t respond positively to it. I just said "Yea, I heard they need two or three more mechanical engineers". I did not offer for his CV to be sent to me. Why the hell would I want to do that? That bastard.

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Thinking back and reflecting while I was driving back home, I guess the angry feeling is still there. The animosity although long buried, has been dugged back. I’ll just leave it as it is.

Darkness Time

July 8th, 2006 by nazrig

In the name of God, Most Beneficient Most Merciful.

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Relating to my personal experience, I go through life, unsuspecting of evil and mischievous deeds happening around me. Life actually extends to beyond the walls of my own little universe to the horizon of the society, the global community, where there exist people with their own set of agendas and to influence the masses in their community with their set of idealogy. This is done to achieve what has been set of their agenda and main goals. From the worlds of global politics to what transpired in the small place called Gombak.

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As what was reported in the newspaper of the scientists’ findings that all of human being that currently resides on earth are genetically linked to one man. It doesn’t matter whether you’re of Chinese descents, Malays, Caucasians, Africans; we’re all linked to one ancestor. I don’t know if this finding contradicts Darwin’s absurd theory of evolution, but this has certainly not come as a surprise to all Muslims. This proves that all of us kind of like ‘distance relative’, we’re of one big family of billions residing on various areas of the planet. We’re one. “Semua Bersaudara” or “All are brothers”. But what has made us view each other differently to set apart from one another, made us view each other as aliens? The two main things that made human beings categorised themselves apart are Religion and Race. It’s like in sports at schools for example, whereby the students are divided into groups of houses distinguished by colours. My school had six houses: Green, Blue, Black, Red, White and Yellow. These six groups are further categorized as the “North” (Green, Blue & Black) and the other three as “South” due to the location of the hostels being on the North and South area within the school border. The division is actually to create the competitiveness and not disunity. When we’re competing against other schools, the members of all the different houses unite and the best among them chosen to represent our school. Let’s leave aside the facts about my school.

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In the real world, we can see that the difference between “groups of human” whereby the colour of the skin or religious belief being the criteria of division. When this division exists, there is no unity or the philosophy of “We’re of one family”. When there is no unity, the emotion, the urges to compete and be above the other group are fashioned inside of them. This is normal for human beings with their passion running inside of them. The competitiveness usually creates animosity amongst each other and thus all the evil scheming exists. Each group have an agenda in their mind, of wanting to come out tops in terms of advancement in knowledge, technology, economic, ideology and political dominance. In terms of religion, the concrete faiths of the teachings or theological ideology made them want to spread them out as much as they can, this could be termed as “recruitment exercise”. The bigger the group, the more powerful they are, and the more likely that one of their members could achieve high feats in politics, economic, and knowledge wise, as such resulting in greater means and resources to spread out their ideology and to protect “their kind”. It is important to have unity within one “group”. War amongst human exists because of the competition and unacceptance of the enemy differentiated by mere skin colour or belief and to have peace we must tolerate. Each group have differentiation of culture and morality. This differentiation made their thinking being uneven or not on the same ground. Unfamiliarity and lacked of understanding of others on the minds of the fanatics or radicals in one “group” propagate hate which could lead to war. Why such disunity between groups exists? Why can’t we all human beings around the world be united, throw away all the prejudice? Some of you might say what’s this mambo jumbo? I’m actually relating what is recently experienced in my life through this brief summary without the specifics.

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I was watching my one year old nephew playing around the house the other day. The technology around him such as television do made him acted weird as he is in a learning stage. He’s absorbing and learning about the things around him. The other day, we were watching some movie on the telly. When the movie ends, as usual there are credits coming out on the screen. The lists of actors, people involved in the making of the movie are all in the list of credit. The list kept on moving up and disappeared through the top of the screen (try watching the credit and you’d see what I mean). My nephew was in awe; he went to the telly and tried to touch the screen because in his eyes, he saw something moving. But he didn’t feel any movement. He was confused as what he saw is deceiving him. All the sounds and pictures coming out from the box intrigued him. As he grows up I suspect, he’ll be like the rest of us, uninterested in the credit as the movie ends because all of us are so used to the television that we’re not in awe anymore of the technology. We take the technology for granted. We’re so used to hand phones, laptops, calculators, cars, etc that we had not stopped and say, “Wait a minute, this is incredible” to express our appreciation of the ingenuity of the creation.

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What I want to relate with the experience of watching my nephew is that what happened around us in nature is really a work of a genius. Who creates all this? I was driving through a heavy rain the other day, and a sudden realisation struck that it is something extraordinary, something magnificent that such abundant of water could come out of the sky, falling onto earth, freshen up the air with smells of the soaked earth, and that whoever thought of creating this must have brilliance beyond human capability. It is the work of God the All-Mighty. All praise be onto Him the Lord of the worlds.

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In pondering upon the nature, we will be like my baby nephew, discovering all the obvious things around us of which we never thought of before because we’re so used to the things surrounding us. In discovering all the things around us we realised there’s a law unto them. So, who dictated all the laws? Who determined the laws of gravity, or the moon must follows its orbit without fail, fuel can be burned and water can’t, the plants grows through the existence of water and sunlight, photosynthesis, etc? Who actually determined this? We’re discovering these laws by research onto the nature. And our findings help us create technology. Force equals mass times acceleration. It is the laws of physics using mathematics. Helps us design F1 cars, turbo machineries, etc. While our understanding of nature is compressed in mathematical formulas and whole heaps of facts and names given, we stopped in appreciating the ingenuity of the creation, we stopped to philosophise on what we had found, and that there exists greater power that govern the entire universe with all the laws abiding them. With this, we should be more of a believer of religion and that God exist.

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So, what is our mission in life? If everything in nature abides by a “Law”, what’s the definition of our law or ‘human law”? What should humans do to abide by the “Law”? By this I mean what’s natural to us? If the moon’s job is to circle in its orbit around the earth and the earth’s job is to rotate and circle around its own orbit around the sun, what’s ours? To rephrase, what’s the purpose of our existence? Does our limited intellect can define our “Law”, our purpose? The most important set of questions for us to ponder. For Muslims, that’s to know our Creator, worshipping Him and abiding by His rules. It is to follow the holy Quran and our Prophet.

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I’m really tired, I can’t think of what to write anymore. I just want to say that toleration among different race or religion is most important.

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Cheers

The Tale of the Japanese Boss

June 27th, 2006 by nazrig

Every single day I’m the first in my department to arrive at the office. It’s not a big office but rather reasonably sized to suit the operation. The temperature inside the office is quite low and it’s normal for you to feel a bit chilly inside and which would also turn bloody cold full blast Australian winter-style when it’s raining outside.

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My boss is a Japanese guy with his name being A.Kobori. I once had addressed him in the email as just “Kobori” but my actions are not without any consequence. When I went inside his room to see him, he was furious with how I greet him. In a serious manner he cautioned me, “I will never allow anyone to call me Kobori. Call me Kobori-san”. He said this at the same time writing his name on a piece of worn out paper as if he’s teaching a kindergarten kid to write and read with the correct pronunciation. Apparently I had forgotten the word “-san” in the back. “San” sort of meant Mr. or sir, it’s something like that. It’s just how Japanese call each other no matter what’s your name. If it is Ali, then you shall be identified as “Ali-san”. I don’t know how to greet someone with the name “Hassan”, should it be “Hassan-san”? Funny. You know how the Caucasian mainly the British or the American would just call by the first name no matter what’s your position? I knew in Technip, I would just address my British boss as just Maurice instead of Mr. Nicholson. And all the Americans I emailed for work related purpose, I had only addressed them in their first names. It made me think of how vastly different cultures are. I wouldn’t even think of calling my Malaysian boss just as Jamal but rather use the term Mr. or Encik to add with it a certain degree or authority, of showing respect or it could be construed as just plain rude not unless he’s your snooker buddy.

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Well I’m just off course to tell the story of Kobori-san. Kobori-san is quite old. He’s nearly 65 years old. You can consider him quite ancient for a man at a workplace, which is an uncommon age to be in the office these days. He’s an enigma, drawing urban legend like stories of his expertise in engineering of compressors. My company designs and sells compressors mainly for the oil & gas industry. He’s a thin man, with an average height, having hairs so white and thick with the hairstyle from the 70’s typical of Japanese and wears a spectacle which made him appears as an intelligent man. Being Japanese, he’s had all of these fancy electronics gadgets on his table such as blue tooth headset, MP3 player, etc. I can’t envisage when my grandmother was at his age and still uses all the technological gadgets without any hassle. For the normal Malays this is quite unthinkable to be old and yet technologically savvy. In time we’ll change. Hopefully. The degree of Kobori-san’s intellect is quite frightening. I would discuss with him all the Thermodynamics stuff and he’s very well remembers and memorized all the complex mathematical formulas. He’s also able to pick up a number from the air for constants in SI or Metrics unit or percentage of whatever engineering requirement (engineering stuffs) in a snap of a finger. Also possesses the ability to mathematically calculate via the mind i.e. mental calculations.

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Well, there’s a saying goes like ”The most dangerous thing for us is not putting too high an aim and fails to achieve it, but putting an aim too low that we achieve it”. I would like to achieve a status as iconic as Kobori-san or even better than him. Maybe one day.

I’m thinking that my day job as an engineer has subdued by creative part. We had to hone our logic thinking and that comes with the daily job. Solving engineering problems and math and all. I felt that my logic thinking has been getting better and more dominating with my creative part slightly passive, and the outcome is that my writing suffers. I rarely write any poetry or any kind of writing anymore. Not as much as I would have liked anyway. This blog is in a way some way I can practice writing so that it’s a skill in me not vanishing whilst my practical and logical brain consume my creative part of my brain. Writing is in a way is sharing one’s experience and to express one’s emotion. To write is for another to read.

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Cheers. Thank you for your time.

“Home Sour (unsweet) Home?”

June 1st, 2006 by nazrig

Started my new job yesterday. It was okay I guess. Didn’t have any friends. No one that I feel like wanting to connect to. However, we still need to socialize and be friends. To make it easy on our work. Just think about the money & wanting to learn. Bloody hell, what am I saying. I just hate being without friends at work. What a bummer. Have to start being friendly and honest…Yea, that’s a start.

As I have quitted my job I had to move out from Forum. Home here in Gombak, how I hate it. The room is pretty messed up. I mean how could anyone live here. Everything is messed up real good. Practically everywhere is in a mess. Everywhere including around the PC I’m writing over here. Felt really like going somewhere else and have a room to myself or a house to myself. I could make the place liveable. Last night I just slept in the living room. Unbearable bedroom my brother has put up with. It makes you think this disorderliness makes your life kind of disorder and you yourself are putting an image of disorganisation. The smell is bad as well. You yourself are actually disorganised! And lazy to simply put into words…

I missed my room in Forum. A bit more tidy than here. And if I mess things up a bit that is only to mark my territory (hehehe). Not as much as my brother’s room. Total mess. I hate living here. I only lived here for one and a half months before moving to Johor and then to Forum. A stranger in my own home. Overall the Forum house is far more tidy than Gombak, considering my family is moving out of Gombak, probably things are a bit disorderly and unclean around the house at the moment.

That freedom I remembered in my mind when I travelled to my newfound acquaintance’s home in Prahran (City of Stonnington), Melbourne, I had this vision in my head of what my life is going to be in Malaysia. My own home, with this big television in the living room, and probably a DVD player as well (some dream!), clean and tidy living room with carpets and sofas to hang out on, paintings hanging on the wall for visitors to ponder upon, a small aquarium with some gold fish inside, a rack full of books in my bedroom with some of them I just hadn’t had the time to read (too busy with work - the books are just to impress unsuspecting visitors. Haha..), also a laptop with 24 hours internet connection. That’s just it. I got what I had hoped for in the past one year, to be in my own home. To live by myself. To do whatever I wanted to. In order for this dream to live on, I have just have got to get out of here…. I just HATE this place! Well, am I a loner???

“I Work For Money, If You Want Loyalty Get a Dog!”

May 28th, 2006 by nazrig

It’s been a while since I last write. Not used to write this way: typing out on a computer. I’d prefer the old fashoined way, the pen and paper. How I had missed you my old pals, the pen and the paper. Now, just to figure out what to write…

About work, and some of you might say: What the f**? Now’s the time for fun and relaxation and he’s talking about work?? Yea, 80% of your time during the day may be spent at work place (another 20% in traffic jams, boo hoo). You’d get so absorbed with your working life that you’d forget to slow down, ponder on life as a whole. I had to admit sometimes, when I sleep at night, I even dreamt of the people, the environment at work, the whole lot, bosses and secretaries included. Yea, maybe I got so much absorbed. This life has polluted me. You’d get into your career too much and forget to call up old friends, and lost your friends. How about love life? Doesn’t seem as rosy as you had imagined before when the chemicals were influencing your thinking pattern, does it?

Since we all need money, and that’s the main reason for working. But still you still want to enjoy what you do since that’ll be a win-win situation. The word "Fun" does not exist in working the position you hate. Zilch. Nada. Nothing in the dictionary…nothing in vocabulary either. "Fun" just does not exist and you’re just stuck in the misery. Frowning government staff at the counter is one of them I think. Also the MMHE’s lady staff in admin department (unsmiling bitch who’s also without any courtesy or kindness). Well I’ve got to admit, even when you’re living the dream occupation and having fun, there’ll still be time when everything is shitty. Bloody shitty. Also the dream job might not be the best for you. In short experience everything you can.

Cheer!